I don't have a TV guide on my room TV. And I only know a few channels so I constantly switch to them as background noise while I do nail party, magazine reading, napping, etc. As a consequence, I end up with some very bizarre, horrible TV shows that catch my attention.
1. My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. This is a super strange show about American gypsies. Except they call themselves Rommy (romney, romani? I can't understand them) gypsies. From what I understand, some of them live in trailers that drive around and work as construction workers 'because Rommy gypsies don't work for nobody. We got too much pride.' Except isn't every job technically working for somebody? I mean, even the president supposedly works for the country. Bad example. The other gypsies just live in homes like regular people. Except they all get married when they are 17 years old. How is this legal? This is still America, do gypsies not have to care about american laws? Or else they 'run off' when they are younger, which I gather is basically running away with their boyfriend, never to be seen again. Where do they go? How do they live? The super strange thing is that they just like meet a boy once in a different town, then decide to marry them. Like they don't even know them. Not even a little bit. And no one's parents think that it's strange at all. The girls are not allowed to hold hands or hug or kiss any boys at all before they are married and none of them understand what sex is or how babies come to be. All the moms laugh about their daughters 'going in blind' and how 'surprised they are going to be on their wedding night'. I'm sorry, but WTF. It is just so strange you cannot stop watching. Here are some of my favorite things about this show from the two episodes I have now seen:
1. Rarely do any of these people have all their teeth. Not only are they missing teeth, they are missing teeth in the front part where you can obviously see that they are missing teeth.
2. The kiss at the altar is so awkward it makes you cringe. Cringing this hard is a good muscle workout, so it makes me feel better about not going to the gym.
3. They gypsies are OBSESSED with sparkles. Even the boy gypsies talk about how the girls need to wear all the sparkles or else 'they don't look good' and no one will be jealous. It is a main thing in gypsy culture to make the other gypsies jealous. I know this because they all repeat this frequently. How to impress the others is by ordering these psychotic dresses. Like, lits, psychotic. One dress, skirt was so big around, she couldn't fit out of her house, into her car, or down the aisle. Instead of rolling their eyes or making fun of their bride, the guys are all super excited about how jealous everyone is going to be and hurries up to push all the pews over. EVERY single dress on this show, which is all about parties and weddings, is completely and totally covered with sparkles. They are constantly saying how many thousands of sparkles (we call them rhinestones) are on these dresses. As if that doesn't sound tacky enough, every dress is red. or magenta. or pink. With a lits six foot train. Because nothing is classier than a seventy five pound hot pink, rhinestone covered wedding dress. This, people, is why regular Americans don't let seventeen year olds get married.
2. The other show is this wedding show about the girl from The Housewives of Atlanta. The only white one. I forget her name because this is the only episode i've seen and I don't watch the Atlanta show, but I want this lady's life. She's like kind of old and has huge fake boobs and always wears wigs. I don't know why she wears wigs because she seems to have a lot of blonde hair attached to her head. She is marrying some super young football player who is totally obsessed with her. This show is teaching me all the benefits of marrying a football player: 1. They are young. 2. They are in great shape. 3. They are busy so they don't care what you do and that you are spending all their money doing it. 4. They will take care of your kids if you don't feel like it. 5. He will bring you wine if you are having a conversation with anyone else. The girl herself is super tacky. She is renting porta potties for her wedding because she doesn't want people "pissing all over my floors." WHAT kind of friends do you have that pee on your floor? And at your wedding? It would be more classy to have signs saying 'Please do not piss on the floors.' than to have porta potties at the wedding. Her wig guy is a black gayby who wears leggings and high heels at the same time and is super sassy and when she gets out of line, he just bails on her to go shopping. She wears flannel shirts unbuttoned below her boobs. They don't even fit into her shirt. She also has her wedding dress at the cleaners. Why is it dirty? Why is she so concerned that it be clean? Her mom also has skeletor arms like madonna. Super sick.
All my life I have been a sleeper. Naps, sleeping in...those are my things. I just must be one of those people who are generally a lot more tired than other people. So much so that when I was little, my mom was actually worried about me and I was tested for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Which thankfully turned out to be negative, because in college, we covered that in one of my psych classes and man, I don't know how those people live their lives. I even used to talk,walk and carry on conversations with awake people, all in my sleep. Kind of like a creepy zombie. Except, you know, more cute and less dead.
I used to be a heavy sleeper. I could sleep through talking, earthquakes, movies, loud music. And I used to take naps upon naps. In fact, almost my entire senior year of high school, I would leave the class I had right after lunch to 'go to the nurse's' and really go to my car and take a nap before work. [I still got an A in that class, by the way.] I could come home and sleep for hours without it having any real effect on my nighttime sleeping schedule.
But then in college, a lot happened. A big, messy disaster and I suddenly couldn't sleep at all. This was even more awful because it was during a time when all I wanted to do was sleep, to escape and not have to think about or deal with the disaster that was my life. I was eventually prescribed sleeping pills, many different kids, each with various results. Like the one time my doctor put me on Ambien and I would wake up in entirely different outfits than I went to sleep in, eventually finding the clothes I was wearing under my mattress a week later. Or the time I was allergic to one of the prescriptions. Or the time other ones had the opposite effect and I was as wide awake as an owl on redbull. Eventually, I found one I could work with that didn't leave me feeling groggy or leading a double life in my pharmacalogically induced sleep. And took it for a year and a half.
Ever since that time in my life, I don't nap. Like, really, almost never. Unless, I have been out super late and partying and not getting enough sleep and building up sleep debt. [Sleep debt is a real thing, look it up, people] And even then, I still have a hard time napping. And the most annoying thing, is that I have become a very light sleeper. If a light is turned on, if a TV or radio is on even the teensiest bit, if a dog barks, if my door is opened, if someone tries talking to me, if my phone goes off, I WILL wake up. And I will have a real tough time getting back to sleep. Because of this, because I am such a light sleeper, I feel like I don't ever get into a really deep sleep. [Unless I'm super, crazy exhausted and tired.] And so I often wake up not feeling very rested.
...And none of the above things were really necessary for the main point of this post, as usual my rambling has taken over. The main point of this post is that I set six alarms every morning. Is this normal? I can't be the only one who does this, right? I just cannot wake up all at once on the first try. I set my alarms for 6, 7, 8, 839, 9, 915. Sometimes I switch 915 for 730 if I feel like doing my hair in the morning. Sadly, that is not often. I feel like waking up in stages helps my body adjust to the idea of eventually waking, and getting, up. However, I fully recognize that it could just be stressing my body and brain out, saying sleep, NO WAKE UP, just kidding sleep, WAKE UPPPP, more sleep....you get it. Could really be doing the opposite of what I want. But it's a system that so far works for me.
And now, to my main point..This creates super weird dreams. I don't often dream but when I do, I have very very realistic seeming dreams. Sometimes they are super realistic real life happening things that I don't remember but get planted in my subconscious and then I think they really happened. Things like conversations with people I know or running errands that I haven't actually run in real life. My brain just thinks they've happened, even though later on, I realize it must have been a dream. I think it's because I sleep so lightly that I am having what they call 'lucid dreams.' But I am really no expert on dreams, so what the f*&% do I know. Those ones kind of make me feel like I'm going crazy though.
But the past two days, I have had WEIRD dreams. Like in one I was trying to get into this music festival but couldn't when all of a sudden someone puts their arm around me and it turns out to be MADONNA! And she takes me on stage and tells me to just be her backup dancer and it is just us performing on the stage. Like I just know the choreography sometime and there happen to not be any other dancers. And then after its over, she's just like, okay go enjoy the show, bye. ...And another dream, where I was in my old teacher, Mr. Trevino's class but it was somehow kind of like in college and there was a big dance coming up called the Welcome/Hello dance. And he decided he was going to choose who we went with and handed us all out cards with the persons name and picture and mine was like some kid who was really pale and video-gamerly and I was like uhhh a. I don't go to dances and b. who the heck is this person, I have never seen them before and I don't want to meet them. So then I just went to the dance but I snuck in through the roof and just sat in the rafters and watched and then went back to my dorm which was filled with a bunch of big black gangster rapper guys smoking cigars on the patio around one of those glass patio tables and playing cards but they totally let me hang out with them. Even though it was actually my dorm anyway, and my patio. And I have had many other strange ones, but my mother says no one care about hearing your dreams unless you are in them and I also read somewhere that no one wants to hear your dreams unless they are about sex. So a. you are probably bored and/or skipped this last paragraph and b. the rest of the dreams I can remember don't involve you or sex.
This is supposedly the new thing, to paint that one finger a different color. I even saw Renee on mobwives doing it last night. The light pink color is OPI's Heartthrob and the sparkly pink is Wet'n'Wild 435G Sparked. Pink and glitter, enough said.
Are these not the cutest little toes? They belong to the cutest little beebs I know, who has currently learned to hoist herself up with objects to the standing position. Her new favorite thing to do is use the glass door to stand and then bang on the glass and scream gibberish like an animal at the zoo, demanding to get out. I. love. it.
Yesterday I bought an iPhone [I know, I know, welcome to the twenty-first century already.] Holy
cow, are they an expensive little phone. I am now afraid of my phone. I have some kind of high tech
insurance plan (I think) but I am living in mortal fear of dropping the thing. I also am not super technological, so I am having a hard time operating it easily. And then there's Siri.
I'm a little afraid of Siri. I also keep accidentally calling her Suri, like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise's daughter. Siri is kind of sassy. And she confuses me. Like last night when I was trying to set my alarm and we were not communicating with each other clearly and then this morning seven different alarms went off. I don't understand how she works and can answer all the questions she can and it scares me. I am afraid of making her mad and asking her the wrong question, because she gets snippy and what if she gets mad at me because my mom made me ask her kind of inappropriate questions and messes with all my information in my phone. What if she calls Tokyo and I get a phone bill for eight hundred dollars. She is a robot and is not to be trusted.
To sum it up, I'm a super sellout and am now super afraid of my cell phone. This is my life.
I am kind of a hate or love it person. I try to soften this a little by using the words 'kind of' a lot [see
previous sentence.] My mother also does not know how to cook very many things. So we eat out a
lot. So we are at restaurants a lot. And lately, the service everywhere has been just terrible! While I
don't really complain too much about food, because I usually won't go anywhere that I don't know
the menu of before I go, I do have problems with awful service. I am (well, my family is) not only
paying for this food and to sit here, but we are also paying YOU to be nice to us and pay attention
to us and to take care of us. We are literally give you money to put in your pocket at the end of the
night. And it has been really frustrating for me, because I am too polite to say 'hey, do your job' to
But today, I signed up for yelp. Yelp.com is a website where you can find reviews on basically any
place. Also, info like hours and price and other things. Users post about their experiences. So today,
I went on a reviewing spree. I reviewed some places that I just LOVE, like the sugar-free bakery in Lake Forest and the shockingly cheap but amazing nail place in Laguna Niguel. I also reviewed
places that I wish would get their act together, like the Buffalo Wild Wings in Lake Forest, where the hostess told us to find our own seats in the bar 'because the tables in the dining room are, like, really messy,' even though we had kids with us and it was dinnertime. I definitely found myself reviewing more of the places I love, because great quality and great service is a bit of a rare combination these days and it deserves recognition. And I can't
help hoping that my negative reviews will spur the places where customer service is awful to shape up a little bit.