Thursday, May 24, 2012

TV Problems

I don't have a TV guide on my room TV. And I only know a few channels so I constantly switch to them as background noise while I do nail party, magazine reading, napping, etc. As a consequence, I end up with some very bizarre, horrible TV shows that catch my attention.

1. My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding. This is a super strange show about American gypsies. Except they call themselves Rommy (romney, romani? I can't understand them) gypsies. From what I understand, some of them live in trailers that drive around and work as construction workers 'because Rommy gypsies don't work for nobody. We got too much pride.' Except isn't every job technically working for somebody? I mean, even the president supposedly works for the country. Bad example. The other gypsies just live in homes like regular people. Except they all get married when they are 17 years old. How is this legal? This is still America, do gypsies not have to care about american laws? Or else they 'run off' when they are younger, which I gather is basically running away with their boyfriend, never to be seen again. Where do they go? How do they live? The super strange thing is that they just like meet a boy once in a different town, then decide to marry them. Like they don't even know them. Not even a little bit. And no one's parents think that it's strange at all. The girls are not allowed to hold hands or hug or kiss any boys at all before they are married and none of them understand what sex is or how babies come to be. All the moms laugh about their daughters 'going in blind' and how 'surprised they are going to be on their wedding night'. I'm sorry, but WTF. It is just so strange you cannot stop watching. Here are some of my favorite things about this show from the two episodes I have now seen:
1. Rarely do any of these people have all their teeth. Not only are they missing teeth, they are missing teeth in the front part where you can obviously see that they are missing teeth.
2. The kiss at the altar is so awkward it makes you cringe. Cringing this hard is a good muscle workout, so it makes me feel better about not going to the gym.
3. They gypsies are OBSESSED with sparkles. Even the boy gypsies talk about how the girls need to wear all the sparkles or else 'they don't look good' and no one will be jealous. It is a main thing in gypsy culture to make the other gypsies jealous. I know this because they all repeat this frequently. How to impress the others is by ordering these psychotic dresses. Like, lits, psychotic. One dress, skirt was so big around, she couldn't fit out of her house, into her car, or down the aisle. Instead of rolling their eyes or making fun of their bride, the guys are all super excited about how jealous everyone is going to be and hurries up to push all the pews over. EVERY single dress on this show, which is all about parties and weddings, is completely and totally covered with sparkles. They are constantly saying how many thousands of sparkles (we call them rhinestones) are on these dresses. As if that doesn't sound tacky enough, every dress is red. or magenta. or pink. With a lits six foot train. Because nothing is classier than a seventy five pound hot pink, rhinestone covered wedding dress. This, people, is why regular Americans don't let seventeen year olds get married.

2. The other show is this wedding show about the girl from The Housewives of Atlanta. The only white one. I forget her name  because this is the only episode i've seen and I don't watch the Atlanta show, but I want this lady's life. She's like kind of old and has huge fake boobs and always wears wigs. I don't know why she wears wigs because she seems to have a lot of blonde hair attached to her head. She is marrying some super young football player who is totally obsessed with her. This show is teaching me all the benefits of marrying a  football player: 1. They are young. 2. They are in great shape. 3. They are busy so they don't care what you do and that you are spending all their money doing it. 4. They will take care of your kids if you don't feel like it. 5. He will bring you wine if you are having a conversation with anyone else. The girl herself is super tacky. She is renting porta potties for her wedding because she doesn't want people "pissing all over my floors." WHAT kind of friends do you have that pee on your floor? And at your wedding? It would be more classy to have signs saying 'Please do not piss on the floors.' than to have porta potties at the wedding. Her wig guy is a black gayby who wears leggings and high heels at the same time and is super sassy and when she gets out of line, he just bails on her to go shopping. She wears flannel shirts unbuttoned below her boobs. They don't even fit into her shirt. She also has her wedding dress at the cleaners. Why is it dirty? Why is she so concerned that it be clean? Her mom also has skeletor arms like madonna. Super sick.

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