Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Falling out of love.
Today I realized I may be falling out of love with my art teacher job. I used to think it was 'the most funnest day[s] of the week" to quote some of my old students. But lately I have been dreading my days at school. It has just lost the shiny new appeal of something fun and different. All the quirks of my more boisterous students I used to think were cute and funny are now just disruptive and headache inducing and a little annoying. [I think there is a parallel here to the very short term sort-of relationships I get myself in and out of, but that's a story for another blog.] If I were to headshrink myself here [the only time my psych degree comes in handy and self-analyzing myself is hardly productive or a smart decision because I am not exactly objective about myself], I would say that this is why I have (and have had) SO MANY FREAKING jobs. I get bored easily. Things lose their appeal. I don't like commitments that don't have a sustainable future. I dislike things and try to squirm out of things once I realize they will lead to nowhere or are dead-ends. I don't know if it's that I've finally reached a year in this job and subconsciously I feel like I've reached some expiration date. But today when my student [ref: earlier 'she's baaaack' post, it's the same kid I'm talking about] said the following things "are you wearing makeup, like black on your eyes, it's really scary..why do you have a tattoo, it's really ummmm ummmm... i don't like you...' and called me Mrs. S about seven times even though it says Miss D on the board and everyone else calls me by the right name, I just wanted to send her to the principal and kick her out of my class for good. This is a six year old I'm talking about. I can't believe I found myself wishing I never had to see her again. That is like teacher blasphemy. Maybe it's because, despite the fact that she says mean things to me in front of everyone, as well as to other students like 'you don't even have a dad' and 'your picture is ugly' and actually spends more time out of her seat than in it and when I turn my back is going through my stuff and on my phone and writing on the board, I know that when I talk to my boss, she's just going to give me 'helpful' suggestions that I've already tried and don't work. And nothing really to actually help me. My boss is the nicest lady possible. She loves kids and she loves and believes in her company, but she isn't in the classroom anymore. She can say all she wants but she isn't there when you are at your wits end and every kid in the class is frustrated because they can't pay attention or hear or see because of one or two psychotically disruptive kids and it's the first day and you know your students are going home and saying 'I hate art class, don't make me go back' to their parents. The lesson here is that kids [and potential love interests, random, but also on my mind] don't always do what you want. And don't listen and don't behave as you feel they should, and according to my mom, I am such a 'rigid' person that I can't adapt to things that fall out of the lines of what I think is right or proper. But to me, these things aren't so crazy to expect. People should control themselves. Even kids should be nice to one another. Sit in your chair means sit in your chair. Don't say inappropriate things means I know you know what is appropriate and what's not and I know you are saying these things to test me and I'm tired of it. When all you want is go somewhere else and get away from them because one bad one has ruined all the rest for you. [eerily parallel again, to my 'love' life or lack thereof]. And I think that is how you fall out of love.